Life is an Adventure: Part II

July 7, 2017 / Michelle Moon / 14 Comments

The guided part of our trip was done by Adventures by Disney, which is fitting given the fact that Julianna was — well, Julianna. (“All the Disney princesses are real — seriously!”).

(Yes, Disney does guided vacations – I didn’t know that either. And no, they are not led by Disney characters. But it was magical.)

Our fearless and energetic Adventure guides.

At check-in, our Adventure guides asked if we were celebrating anything special. I stayed quiet, because the truth is complicated. Were we celebrating? Running away? I had no idea…apparently, at one time, I thought it was a good idea to take a big trip on the first anniversary of my daughter’s death.

“We are celebrating the life of my granddaughter. She died a year ago, but we don’t want to make this a sad occasion,” said my mom.

“Yes,” I thought. “Exactly what she said.”

The truth will set you free, even when it iscomplicated.

For Julianna, life was a celebration and princesses were real.

Bella Italia

The Italian Lake District is just an hour away from Milan, but it feels like a different world. Our first few nights were spent in Stresa, a town that manages to be both stunningly beautiful and quaint.

Stresa sits on the banks of Lake Maggiore.

Near the town square in Stresa.

We stayed in a fancy hotel

and ate gelato (at least once) every day.

We visited Isola Bella (the beautiful island), site of a magnificent palace and gardens. It belongs to one of Italy’s noble family, the Borromeos.

Isola Bella

Garden side view of Isola Bella.

No shortage of chandeliers in this place…

Their mascot?

Just like us.

Switzerland

Switzerland is educated, prosperous and pristine. They are known for chocolate and neutrality. And, like the Disney princesses, it is real.

It’s also a ridiculously beautiful country. Photos run the risk of looking fake, it’s so pretty.

This, for example, is from a rest stop.

In full disclosure, it was a mildly forced spontaneous moment of beauty — we made Alex hold the unicorn.

And these are some of the highlights.

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On our last full day in Switzerland, we went to Mount Titlis (elevation 10,623′), one of the highest peaks in central Switzerland. You reach the top via gondola. About halfway up, we stopped acclimate and take in another stunning Alpine vista.

On that gorgeous mountainside, our Adventure guides presented us with a unicorn, and we all celebrated the fact that Love is a Superpower.

(Later, I learned the backstory. The Swiss town we were visiting was devoid of unicorns, so our Adventure guides found a pony and fashioned a horn out of pipe cleaner and glue. (Love + a bit of Swiss ingenuity = Swiss Unicorn. As Julianna would say, “Perfect!” And touching.)

And we went on one, last big adventure — the biggest of them all.

We sledded.

Walked through a glacier cave,

The glacier ice was impossibly smooth, but somehow not slippery.

And it was very Frozen-esque.

and took a stroll on a suspension bridge — way, way up in the Alps.

At the farewell dinner, we enjoyed music from a trio of alphornists.

The alphorn is a musical instrument, but it was also used to communicate between villages.

Their final song: Amazing Grace, one of Julianna’s favorites.

***************

For the parent who has outlived their child, the world is different. If we’re honest, it’s a little less dear, for it no longer contains all that is most important to us.

But there’s a lot of beauty left in this world. It’s in the mountains and pastures and oceans and lakes, in people and gestures and laughter.

It heals, this beauty, because I know that it is but a fraction of what she sees. And it reminds me that life is still an adventure.

The last line of Julianna’s Adventures.

Life is an Adventure – Part I

July 1, 2017 / Michelle Moon / 15 Comments

There is a certain freedom that comes after you’ve endured a monstrous loss. When you’ve gone through the worst, is there anything left to fear?

As it turns out, yes. Anniversaries, holidays, social gatherings, polite conversation, fading memories – all terrifying.

For months, June 14^th loomed large and ominous. What are you supposed to do on the anniversary of your child’s death?

The answer to this terrible question is as individual as a fingerprint. For me, one thing was clear: We would have to go away. And considering the thing we were escaping from, it would have to be big.

Has it really been one year? .

Enter Italy and Switzerland.

Switzerland, because my mom has wanted to go there. Italy, because I found only one guided travel package that would get us to Switzerland around the right time, and it started in Italy.

My spirits lifted as we made the reservations. It would be a grand adventure. Julianna would definitely approve!

Such an adventurous soul

A few months later, I regretted it. Travel requires stamina and an open spirit; grief is exhausting. I felt like spending June 14th in bed.

Fortunately, the deposit was nonrefundable.

Julianna’s First Heaven Day

The group tour was set to start on 16 June. To accomplish my goal of being AWAY on 14 June, we flew into Milan a few days early.

Breakfast at the hotel looked more like a tea party.

This may have been Alex’s favorite experience in Milan…

We visited the Duomo, Milan’s massive gothic cathedral.

(It reminded me a little of this picture — the Duomo is not subtle…)

“Too much is never enough” — one of my favorite Juliannaisms.

We lit a candle in front of the picture of the Madonna and Child.

And learned that it is the only cathedral in Europe that is made of pink marble — who would have thought?

We also saw a castle.

Sforza Castle, built in the 15th century by the Duke of Milan.

Alex did log rolls in a former moat.

Then I spent the rest of the day in bed nursing my jet lag and my grief. I listened to recordings of our sweet girl and I missed her, just as I have every second of every minute of every day that she’s been gone.

Like the love that causes it, grief never stops. You have to make room for it, even when you are halfway around the world on the trip of a lifetime.

Part II is coming soon…

One Year

June 14, 2017 / Michelle Moon / 18 Comments

My sweet Julianna,

It’s one year today – your heaven day. This is what I’m choosing to call it, because this is the most important part of June 14th. It’s bigger than my sorrow and shock and pain.

I know you are free now, and gloriously happy — even happier than you were here. Happier in a way that I can’t really imagine. Your body doesn’t hold you back anymore, and you can run, jump and play. I think you are playing with children now. (We adults did our best, but it’s just not the same…) This does my heart good.

I miss you – so much. I know that you didn’t want me to be sad, but I am still bound by this world’s limitations. Better me than you 🙂

You taught me that happiness and heartbreak can coexist, so today I will try for happiness.

I’ll wear pink, and I will play with Alex.
I’ll seek out beauty in everything and everyone.
I will be honest but kind.
My hair will be neat.

Most of all, I will be thankful. I got to be your mom. Nothing can take that away.

Until I see your sweet face again,
With a zillion billion kisses,
Mom

Photo: Jennifer Rialtos

My thanks to CNN for publishing a piece I wrote about our hospice experience. Because we started following Julianna’s example, we had eighteen beautiful months. She gave us the courage to face our greatest fear.

Eleven Months

May 14, 2017May 14, 2017 / Michelle Moon / 22 Comments

For the past eleven months, I’ve marked time by remembering the past. What were we doing last Christmas and Easter and June and spring…when we were still a family of four?

It’s taken on a more intense timbre of late, because we’re coming to the end, the final weeks of Julianna’s life.

One year ago, I wrote:

Parenting a child with a terminal illness means that your heart is fractured a thousand different ways. One day it will be broken, but until then, you fight to give your child the happiest, most comfortable, most beautiful life you can.

And fight, we did. Last spring, Julianna lost her voice, but she gained a microphone….which allowed her to talk even more. She got another wheelchair and it widened her world. She told me that love is a superpower.

And yet, it was the beginning of the end. Julianna’s feeding tube finally failed (it lasted eighteen months – some sort of record, I’m sure) and we were thrown on the horrible roller coaster that only parents of medically fragile children know. We squeaked through, but it took a toll on a little body that had barely any reserve.

Julianna had more strength than anyone I’ve known – but none of it was physical. I see it now: her body was done, and the end was near.

I wonder if it will be like this every spring, this journey back to the last days of my daughter’s life. Will I relive her death for decades to come? Will it gut me always? What is the long term prognosis for a broken heart?

Impossible questions, and there are no satisfactory answers on this side. And when I get to the other one, maybe they won’t be needed because the pain will be obliterated – in the blink of an eye.

Eleven months ago today, Julianna rested in my arms one final time. The pain was indescribable, but I am grateful that she ended her life as she began it: in my arms.

I was able to give her safe passage. Sometimes it’s the only thing a mother can give.

In My Father’s Eyes is a ministry that comforts those who mourn. This painting is beyond beautiful.

Ten Months

April 14, 2017 / Michelle Moon / 21 Comments

I’m not doing well.

There’s a heaviness that is, at times, crushing. It oppresses and smothers and obfuscates. It’s always there.

The depths of my emotions startle me sometimes, but, really, it’s quite logical. My daughter died – am I supposed to be doing well?

Oh, I know how it will turn out. I know that she suffered on this earth (I saw it – a lot), and I know she is free. I know that I will see her again — for eternity, in fact.

But now I mourn. I don’t get to skip over that part.

To get to Easter, you have to go through Good Friday.

And it is so painful. My God, it is so painful.

(I think God gets it. He saw his own child suffer and die. He saw Mary’s tears, and he sees mine. He knows that it can be no other way right now.)

Reality, you see, is brutal. The most difficult things I express in this space still go through a filter. Something in me wants to spare you from how bad it really is. Even if I wished to share it all, I can’t: words are simply inadequate.

But here’s another reality that is as undeniable as my pain and requires few words:

After a long, cold, gray winter, the cherry blossoms erupted, splendid and unapologetically pink. How could they not remind me of Julianna?

And then, there’s this girl – my God, did she live!

Untitled from Michelle Moon on Vimeo.

One year ago, she danced — as hard as she could — to the Gummy Bear song. (Note the multicolored nails, the sticker on the BiPAP hose, and her long, ponytailed hair. I forgot it got that long! It was one of her goals, and I am so grateful that she achieved it.)

Nine Months

March 14, 2017 / Michelle Moon / 18 Comments

About a week after Julianna died, I saw her in a dream. It wasn’t anything profound or tender….the girl was shopping.

In the dream, we were visiting relatives in South Korea. I was at my aunt’s house and Julianna dropped in. She was seven, maybe eight years old and was dressed in jeans and sneakers. She was clearly busy — she looked stylish, but was ready to move. Sunglasses were perched on top of her head and some cute cross bodies were slung over her left hip. She didn’t say a word, but I understood somehow that she wanted to show me her new bags – weren’t they great ?! She appeared for just a moment and was gone – presumably to do some more shopping.

I’m pretty sure that my dream was inspired by this picture, taken on Thanksgiving day, 2011. She is fifteen months here. We didn’t know about CMT yet and hoped that she was just a late walker

I have dreamed almost every night since she left us – dreams with all kinds of weird plots and random people – but nothing more with Julianna . And I have wanted it so badly, to see Julianna again in a dream, in a sign., something, (And not a subtle little something, please – something big and undeniable. )

23 Jan 2017. Biggest rainbow I’ve ever seen — but it’s not her.

Let’s face it: dreams and signs aren’t enough. I want her. I want Julianna back. I want to kiss her forehead and bring her new toys and see her eyes light up with delight. I want to be astonished by her insight and double over with laughter when she says something outrageous. (Did you know that she once threatened to fire one of her nurses for working on chart notes while “Brave” was on? Watching the movie together was important. Paperwork, not so much. Once again, she was right on.)

It doesn’t seem like too much to ask for, does it? Such a reasonable request, a mother wanting her daughter, but I’m living in a world where nothing makes sense, a world that is less bright and not nearly as fun as the one I inhabited with her. There have been moments of joy (what would I do without Alex?), but always under a heavy blanket of sadness. They say it will be different one day, but right now, it’s hard to even care.

If she were here, she’d give me a good talking-to. She would fix me with those beautiful eyes and say “But Mom! You have to try. You have to be happy!” (And she is the only one who could say those words to me – truly).

I would say, “Yes, but I miss you so much. So, so much…”

She already gave me part of the answer, years before I would need it: I don’t have to worry because God is taking care of her.

So maybe the big sign has already happened. I know she’s OK, and I know I will see her again. With all of my heart and soul and mind, I know this.

But I was right too. I miss her. So, so much.

Nine months today, my sweet child. I will try to be happy — for you and for Alex, I will try.

J: When you die, will I come to get you?

M: I don’t really know how it works, Julianna. But I think you will be the first person I see when I get to heaven. And I’ll be so happy.

J: Do you want me to stand in front of the house, and in front of all the people so you can see me first?

M: Yes. I’ll be so happy to see you.

J: Will you run to me?

M: Yes. And I think you will run to me too.

J: I’ll run fast! (then she shook her head back and forth to show me how fast she will run).

M: Yes, I think you will run so fast.

Eight Months

February 14, 2017 / Michelle Moon / 21 Comments

I’m not sure how this grief thing is supposed to work but I can say this much: at month eight, it hurts more, not less.

It’s incredible, really, that she is gone. I had a daughter, and then I didn’t. How is this possible?

I was there when she left and I sit in the silence now. It is obvious that she is gone, but my mind doesn’t understand it and my heart doesn’t accept it. Surely this didn’t happen– right?

The thing that bewilders me most is the love. Where, exactly, does the love go when you have loved someone with your whole heart – with desperation and joy and fury – and that person is gone? This kind of love cannot be ignored and it cannot be contained. Where does it go? What do I do with it now? This is the part I can’t get past; this is the part that hurts.

I have no answers, just love for a girl with the loveliest of hearts and the most buoyant spirit. The love never runs out. She taught me that.

I would do it all over again, with full knowledge of the pain ahead. I would do it again and again and again, because the only thing worse than the pain now is the thought of not ever knowing her at all. I am forever blessed because I got to be her mom.

So at last, here is something I understand: love is greater than the pain. It’s already won, but in this imperfect place, it coexists with the pain.

One day, it will be different. Until then, I love and I hurt, I love and I hurt some more. It can’t be any other way.

Two more things I know: she gave love, and she knew she was loved — both in massive amounts.

(photos 1, 5 and 6 – Aubrie LeGault; photo 2 – Charles Gullung)

Seven Months

January 14, 2017January 14, 2017 / Michelle Moon / 17 Comments

I’ve become a counter of days, a historian of sorts. The length (in order) of Julianna’s hospitalizations: 3, 11, 28, 14, 3, 21, and 3 days

It’s minutiae, but I keep it in my working memory because I can’t lose any more of her. Her feed rate: 76 cc/hr.

Love is in the details, they say, and I want to remember all of them. Her BiPAP settings were 16/6.

I remember her birthday (25 Aug) and her heaven day (14 June) of course, but I also remember 10 January (the start of her most hellish hospitalization in 2014; the day she received her princess room in 2015) and 24 October (the day of her care conference in 2014 – we decided to start hospice then, and the day our CNN story came out in 2015).

The harsh and unrelenting truth, though, is that memories fade, and they become unreliable. She had a little mole below the knuckle of her right index finger. We called it her tiny baby mole… or was it on the left? How do I not know this?

It isn’t right, and it isn’t kind. The part of me that can’t believe she is really gone can’t accept the fact that, after just seven months, I’ve forgotten so much.

The logical side of me knows that this is normal — the details of Alex’s baby days are fuzzy too. The brain prioritizes and it filters. Numbers and details aren’t important unless you are missing someone – terribly.

And so I try. I remember, and with great effort, I try to give words to memories both trivial and profound. Some days it seems impossible, but I can’t stop trying. It’s my defense and offense against grief, my way of honoring our little girl. I remember you, Julianna — and I won’t let others forget.

***************************

Three years ago, I watched my daughter struggle for breath – for days, then weeks. She fought mightily, but with a body that possessed hardly any strength. My heart was pierced, and but it did not stop.She did not, so it could not.

January 2014: not the first or last time in the hospital, but the longest and the worst. This is after she turned the corner.

Two years ago, I saw delight and wonder in my daughter’s eyes as she took in her elegant new room. My heart swelled, and it soared.

10 January 2015: Awe and wonder.

One year ago, my daughter read to her kindergarten class. My heart was proud, and it rejoiced.

14 January 2016

And today, I miss her, just as I have every moment of these last seven months. My heart remembers what my brain does not, always and forever. Every little single thing.

“Zip Your Lips!!”

January 5, 2017January 12, 2017 / Michelle Moon / 11 Comments

Note: I wrote this last winter but didn’t post it because the subject matter (unboxing videos) is — just strange. But it’s too funny to keep to myself. For everyone who misses Julianna’s rapier wit, happy belated holidays (Featured image by Charles Gullung)

Julianna took her toys very, very seriously.

Julianna has a new obsession: Youtube “unboxing videos.”

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, good! Basically, someone with a soothing voice introduces a new toy, and there is a close up video of a hand (which I assume belongs to the voice but there is no confirmation. It is always well-manicured, which makes me wonder… can manicures be tax write-offs?) taking the toy out of the box and explaining all the features — in great detail. How many princesses will fit in Rapunzel’s carriage? Here’s Rapunzel….Cinderella…Queen Elsa…Three. But only two princesses if you want to close the carriage door. It goes on and on.

J: Mom, come here.

M: OK – what?

J: Can you try to find something like this for my birthday?

M: OK, but your birthday is a while away. I go back to my chair.

J: five seconds later. Mom, come here.

M: Yes?

J: Can I have this for Christmas?

The worst thing about unboxing videos is the soothing voice.

M: Julianna, don’t you think that this voice is weird?

Silence. When there is a new unboxing video on, I am irrelevant.

M: It’s too soothing. I assume the soothing voice: Now, Queen Elsa is going to wear the yellow dress…looks fantastic. Here’s Princess Anna –

J: Mom, stop.

M: Why?

J: whispers. It’s annoying.

Later on, as I finish Julianna’s medical “chores.”

M: I’m going to talk like the that lady. I assume the soothing voice with its slow, lilting diction: Now I’m going to vent you. I take a 60cc syringe, then I clip your G-tube and attach the syringe. And look! 40cc’s of air…then I detach the big syringe and hook you back up to the Farrel bag….

J: Mom, zip your lips!

M: I pretend to zip my lips up…but continue to mumble in the same slow, soothing, singsongy manner.

J: Mom, zip up your humming!

I burst out into laughter.

J: Mom, you ripped your lips!

Even later as we’re reading her bedtime story:

M: Maybe I should do Calvin and Hobbes in the soothing voice.

J: No no no no. This is going too far. Too far.

M: Why?

J: Because Calvin and Hobbes is not the time for jokes.

Merry Christmas, Newborn King

December 25, 2016 / Michelle Moon / 29 Comments

Christmas is for the brokenhearted too. Maybe even more so for those of us who hurt.

It’s hope, residing in dark and uncomfortable places and the promise that our pain is temporary. It’s turning away from fear in order to choose Light and Love (even if we are still afraid.)

Christmas is for the children — and everyone who needs a Father.

Happy birthday, Jesus. Merry Christmas, world!

Julianna: “Hark the Herald…” from Michelle Moon on Vimeo.

Hark the Herald by Julianna Yuri Snow, age 3.

– Her favorite version was Carrie Underwood’s. You can hear the influence in the way she lingers over the last few notes “New….born….King….”

– “God and sinner” becomes “golden singer”…because you could never have enough sparkle. (Sometimes, she sang “Joyful all the Asians rise” instead of “nations rise”.)

Merry Christmas, my sweet Julianna.