Note: I wrote this last winter but didn’t post it because the subject matter (unboxing videos) is — just strange. But it’s too funny to keep to myself. For everyone who misses Julianna’s rapier wit, happy belated holidays (Featured image by Charles Gullung)
Julianna has a new obsession: Youtube “unboxing videos.”
If you don’t know what I’m talking about, good! Basically, someone with a soothing voice introduces a new toy, and there is a close up video of a hand (which I assume belongs to the voice but there is no confirmation. It is always well-manicured, which makes me wonder… can manicures be tax write-offs?) taking the toy out of the box and explaining all the features — in great detail. How many princesses will fit in Rapunzel’s carriage? Here’s Rapunzel….Cinderella…Queen Elsa…Three. But only two princesses if you want to close the carriage door. It goes on and on.
J: Mom, come here.
M: OK – what?
J: Can you try to find something like this for my birthday?
M: OK, but your birthday is a while away. I go back to my chair.
J: five seconds later. Mom, come here.
J: Can I have this for Christmas?
The worst thing about unboxing videos is the soothing voice.
M: Julianna, don’t you think that this voice is weird?
Silence. When there is a new unboxing video on, I am irrelevant.
M: It’s too soothing. I assume the soothing voice: Now, Queen Elsa is going to wear the yellow dress…looks fantastic. Here’s Princess Anna –
J: Mom, stop.
J: whispers. It’s annoying.
Later on, as I finish Julianna’s medical “chores.”
M: I’m going to talk like the that lady. I assume the soothing voice with its slow, lilting diction: Now I’m going to vent you. I take a 60cc syringe, then I clip your G-tube and attach the syringe. And look! 40cc’s of air…then I detach the big syringe and hook you back up to the Farrel bag….
J: Mom, zip your lips!
M: I pretend to zip my lips up…but continue to mumble in the same slow, soothing, singsongy manner.
J: Mom, zip up your humming!
I burst out into laughter.
J: Mom, you ripped your lips!
Even later as we’re reading her bedtime story:
M: Maybe I should do Calvin and Hobbes in the soothing voice.
J: No no no no. This is going too far. Too far.
J: Because Calvin and Hobbes is not the time for jokes.